I Confess I'm a Shape-Shifter

I’ve been a shape-shifter the last few years. Not the woman to selkie kind, where a seal-like creature becomes a woman, or vice versa.

No, my body's shape is shifting, creating new curves in unattractive places. 

This forced me to get rid of all of my “ultra low rise” jeans which are described as “best for short bodies” but never were, and my medium rise, “best for curvy bodies.” 

I’m still waiting for jeans that will have a sturdy elastic camisole attached to the hips. Then I'll be flat-tummied and can wear tops that don’t look like maternity wear. (And my boobs will move back up where they used to be.)

My daughter swore by Spanx. Putting them on was not a solo operation. I pulled in front, Bill pulled from the back. Yeah, they squeezed extra flab into less space. In science teacher terms, my density was unchanged but my volume was reduced. But what do you do after you go to the bathroom and your second person isn’t around?

They went directly from the house to ARC. 

Shapermint online ad

I considered the Shapermint collection. The promotions showed up as pop-up video on youtube. What about my web browsing created "cookies" that popped up these ads? More than once? 

The commercials were impressive. Flabberghasting, actually. (That is a pun.) They've recently changed their campaign to be less graphic and more respectful. Some of the women have considerably more fat to hide than I do. But I didn't buy anything. It would be like standing in the Nordstrom Rack dressing room entrance and yelling "I'm Pam, and my belly is out of control."

So I’m still left with loose knit tops young pregnant woman won't wear. 

However, breezing through Target today I spied with my roving eye a belly band. It is called an “Afterband” as in after childbirth. Well, it is after my last child’s birth forty years ago. It was on sale for $7.50. I couldn’t pass it up. 

At home, I pulled it out of the package and the circumference of the M/L size band looked much too small to get around my middle. The band came with special instructions very similar to those for my foot-to-crotch, post-vein surgery compression stockings. You turn the band inside out, settle it on your hips, grab the top, which is at the bottom, and pull it up. Easier than Spanx. I could do it by myself. 

I tried it under a summer dress yesterday, but after 30 minutes decided I really didn't need to impress the doctor that much. Maybe it'll loosen some if I stretch it over the back of a chair. 

Sigh. I'm still shape-shifted.